The Urban Refugee

Found DR2K in a bargain bin some time back and finally got around to watching it. Fucking Carradine. It’s impossible to watch his movies now without picturing him in a closet beating his meat and a rope around his neck. Once you get past that — and Carradine’s “acting” — there’s still Stallone’s, um, “acting”.

The movie seemed a lot better when I was 12. Of course, that’s how I wound up with the first season of Knight Rider on DVD (and you can STFU about that, A.J.).

Highlight: Picture went to shit right around the time Frankenstein was scoring the hospital staff. Found myself fondling the Blu-ray player for 30 seconds before remembering that optical media players don’t have “tracking” controls on them. New World Pictures, right? The movie was transferred to DVD from a damaged VHS tape with tracking problems, ferfucksakes, and faked me out.

I did get to ogle Simone Griffeth’s boobies, said scene being cut from the television version I saw as a kid, so I’d have to say that the toast landed buttered side up.

BPA: MVIS (additional velocity awarded for gratuitous violence)

This movie cost me $1.00. I overpaid. I figured: Ray Bradbury short story movified and directed by Peter (2010) Hyams. Can’t be that bad, right?

Remember that really shitty rug Shatner wore in ST_ToS? Yeah, well, fugeddabowdit. It has been topped for all time by that fucking … thing … they made Ben Kingsley wear in ASoT. I keep trying to remember specific details about the film and all I can recall is Kingsley’s coiffure. Is there such a thing as Post Traumatic Toupee Disorder? Because it’s keeping me from watching The Martian Chronicles, which is in my DVD player’s “inbox”. I was so young when I
first watched it that I can’t remember whether Rock Hudson was forced to wear a bad rug or not, and I don’t want to be turned off Bradbury forever.

BPA: Passive droplets

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit, you can’t turn lead into gold, but you can turn a bad script into the same with a good actor. Christian Bale totally saved the movie. It was basically 1984, but on Vulcan, and with damned cool gun fights. Gun kata rocks.

BPA: HVIS

After all the years of Street Fighter references dropped hither and yon by a good friend, I would have felt churlish walking past the Street Fighter/Street Fighter - Legend of Chun Li DVD combo pack in the bargain bin. So it came home with me.

Regarding: Street Fighter

This is quite possibly the first time in my life I’ve ever had to cleanse a DVD player with bleach, and I say this as the owner of a couple of Uwe Boll films. That, and given how close Raul Julia was to death at the time of the filming, sticking him with the horribly, horribly scripted role of Gen. Bison can be considered the desecration of a nearly corpse. JCVD has been sliding deeper into the shitter with each passing year, but I never imagined he could ever sink this low. Fuck.

I’m trying to remember whether or not my friend recommended this stinker to me. May he burn in Mormon hell if he did.

BPA: Passive droplets

Regarding: Street Fighter - Legend of Chun Li

Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk.

What? Oh, sorry. I’ve got this thing for violent, stretchy females.

She’s not River Tam/Cameron Phillips material, but still… I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for giving me some wushu massage. Would also place her slighly ahead of Violet Song jat Shariff. This may change if I watch the gun kata scene with the “Bloods” in Ultraviolet again as Jojovich was the right combination of violent and stretchy there, too.

Legend of Chun Li also had nice photography, mediocre fight choreography, and a fair to middling soundtrack. Oh, and it starred Kristen Kreuk. Did I mention that?

BPA: MVIS