The Urban Refugee

I’m paying $2.00 for an FM transmitter for my car, and $20.00 to have it shipped. Do you think someone is trying to short eBay on the transaction fee?

Da Boss: I can’t decide what to eat.

Da Cook: Have a lasagna.

Da Boss: I’d better not — I have to watch my cholesterol.

Da Cook: Why, is it high?

Da Boss: Oh, yes. I can’t understand why it’s so high.

[ pause ]

Da Cook: Um… Have you looked at your menu lately?

[rinnnnng...]

[rinnnnng...]

Cook: Good evening, [name of restaurant]

Customer: Hi, I’d like to order a large pizza to go.

Cook: Sure, what would you like on it?

Customer: Pepperoni, and mushrooms, and… SEAN! IS THAT YOU?!?

Cook: Yep, it’s me.

Customer: What the hell are you doing there?!?

Cook: Making your pizza. What else would you like on it?

Customer: I thought you fixed computers.

Cook: I multi-task.

I think the makers of Bovine Growth Hormone (BGH) should all be sued for false advertising. I’ve been marinating a steak in this crap for three days now and it hasn’t gotten any bigger.

Does anyone know how much a Hooters franchise costs? Because I think I could make a go of one in this area.

Part of the AWOL computer parts shipment arrived this afternoon:

Gee, do you think this package looks like it’s been back and forth across the province eleven fuckin’ times?!? Even worse, this is only part of the missing order. The 19″ LCD display that I originally ordered for a customer was shipped separately from these items. I’m scared of what shape it’s going to arrive in.

Hey, UPS, thanks so much for everything you’re doing to kill my business.

Previous posts on this topic:

Unbelievably Poor Service
Where my delivery at?
What can Brown lose for you today?
Friends don’t let friends use UPS
UPS is a major cause of global warming

Some search engine friendly keywords to make sure the incompetent fucktards at UPS never live this down:

United Parcel Service, United Parcel Smashers, United Package Smashers, UPS sucks, UPS bites, UPS blows, beware of UPS, problems with UPS, UPS damaged freight, UPS lost package, UPS lost parcel, UPS lost freight, UPS late delivery

No, not the coffee. Double shifts. Saturday and Sunday.

Goddamn, am I ever tired.

Seriously (click thumbnail for larger version)…

…I feel that any future ammendments to the Kyoto Accord should specifically penalize UPS for the amount of carbon they produce bouncing a package back and forth across a province at least ten times.

I notice that some local oil service companies are looking for ‘tool pushers’ in the career section of the newspaper. I’m not quite sure what a tool push does, but it sounds to me suspiciously like a ’stool pusher’, and I know what that is.

This whole oil boom thing is one fantastic hoax, if you ask me. At some point it’s going to be revealed that Alberta’s energy sector is actually a coverup for a massive gay porn ring. All those burly guys you see speeding around in 4WD pickup trucks? They’re just twinks on their way to the next shoot.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

First, I find out where prairie oysters come from.

Next, a rancher tells me how much his dog loves eating them at branding.

Now I have a panic attack each time a dog sniffs my crotch.