The Urban Refugee

Census Menses

Sean — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 20:56:08 +0000

I’m getting a chuckle out of the current imbroglio over making filling out the Canadian census long form voluntary in 2011. A rather large group of people (largely bureaucratic tit-suckers and race hustlers, I suspect) are moaning and groaning about how people won’t provide accurate information if they’re not legally compelled to by the government. As one of those who was told by a pushy census official that I had to answer all the questions from the 1996 long form, I can damn well tell you that making answering compulsory will NOT improve the quality of the data. He’s roughly how I answered:

Ethnicity: Aboriginal (I’m white, uptight, and outta sight)
Language: English (I speak both English and French, actually)
Other languages: Urdu (Well, I bet it sounds like Urdu when I’m drunk)
Language first learned at home: Pig latin (an honest answer, methinks)
Place born: Nyarlathotep, Saskatchewan (told her it was a Metis community)
Education: Bachelor of Arts (I’m a high school dropout who likes graphic novels — same thing AFAIC)

…and so on. Yes, I understand lying on a census questionnaire is legally naughty. I don’t give a crap so either arrest me or piss off. The next time the census rolls around, I truly hope the long form is voluntary for all who are interested, and that I can fill it out in the same manner as I did the previous one. Any chance to bork a government program is something I want in on.

Needle Tracks

Sean — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 20:35:22 +0000

One good thing about living in a rural area is access to cheap 75 ml syringues (vetrinary use only). Only problem is that it’s a bit awkward when you have a massive honking needle loaded with red ultrachrome pigment and you’re filling a printer cartridge as a customer walks into your store…

“Uh, are you injecting BLOOD into your printer?!?”

“Of course. Just don’t ask what I use for the yellow ink.”

This probably won’t help out with print sales.

Death Race 2000

Sean — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:10:45 +0000

Found DR2K in a bargain bin some time back and finally got around to watching it. Fucking Carradine. It’s impossible to watch his movies now without picturing him in a closet beating his meat and a rope around his neck. Once you get past that — and Carradine’s “acting” — there’s still Stallone’s, um, “acting”.

The movie seemed a lot better when I was 12. Of course, that’s how I wound up with the first season of Knight Rider on DVD (and you can STFU about that, A.J.).

Highlight: Picture went to shit right around the time Frankenstein was scoring the hospital staff. Found myself fondling the Blu-ray player for 30 seconds before remembering that optical media players don’t have “tracking” controls on them. New World Pictures, right? The movie was transferred to DVD from a damaged VHS tape with tracking problems, ferfucksakes, and faked me out.

I did get to ogle Simone Griffeth’s boobies, said scene being cut from the television version I saw as a kid, so I’d have to say that the toast landed buttered side up.

BPA: MVIS (additional velocity awarded for gratuitous violence)

A Sound of Thunder

Sean — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:01:49 +0000

This movie cost me $1.00. I overpaid. I figured: Ray Bradbury short story movified and directed by Peter (2010) Hyams. Can’t be that bad, right?

Remember that really shitty rug Shatner wore in ST_ToS? Yeah, well, fugeddabowdit. It has been topped for all time by that fucking … thing … they made Ben Kingsley wear in ASoT. I keep trying to remember specific details about the film and all I can recall is Kingsley’s coiffure. Is there such a thing as Post Traumatic Toupee Disorder? Because it’s keeping me from watching The Martian Chronicles, which is in my DVD player’s “inbox”. I was so young when I
first watched it that I can’t remember whether Rock Hudson was forced to wear a bad rug or not, and I don’t want to be turned off Bradbury forever.

BPA: Passive droplets

Equilibrium

Sean — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:00:02 +0000

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit, you can’t turn lead into gold, but you can turn a bad script into the same with a good actor. Christian Bale totally saved the movie. It was basically 1984, but on Vulcan, and with damned cool gun fights. Gun kata rocks.

BPA: HVIS

Street Fighter / Street Figher - Legend of Chun Li

Sean — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:57:56 +0000

After all the years of Street Fighter references dropped hither and yon by a good friend, I would have felt churlish walking past the Street Fighter/Street Fighter - Legend of Chun Li DVD combo pack in the bargain bin. So it came home with me.

Regarding: Street Fighter

This is quite possibly the first time in my life I’ve ever had to cleanse a DVD player with bleach, and I say this as the owner of a couple of Uwe Boll films. That, and given how close Raul Julia was to death at the time of the filming, sticking him with the horribly, horribly scripted role of Gen. Bison can be considered the desecration of a nearly corpse. JCVD has been sliding deeper into the shitter with each passing year, but I never imagined he could ever sink this low. Fuck.

I’m trying to remember whether or not my friend recommended this stinker to me. May he burn in Mormon hell if he did.

BPA: Passive droplets

Regarding: Street Fighter - Legend of Chun Li

Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk. Kristen Kreuk.

What? Oh, sorry. I’ve got this thing for violent, stretchy females.

She’s not River Tam/Cameron Phillips material, but still… I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for giving me some wushu massage. Would also place her slighly ahead of Violet Song jat Shariff. This may change if I watch the gun kata scene with the “Bloods” in Ultraviolet again as Jojovich was the right combination of violent and stretchy there, too.

Legend of Chun Li also had nice photography, mediocre fight choreography, and a fair to middling soundtrack. Oh, and it starred Kristen Kreuk. Did I mention that?

BPA: MVIS

Gone Native

Sean — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 02:45:06 +0000

It’s taken me just over four years, but I can finally claim to be a 100% fit with this area. It’s not because I grabbed a .22, stalked a skunk, and nailed the sucker right in the bunghole.

It’s the fact that I did this in my underwear next to a busy highway.

Local economy showing signs of stress

Sean — Sat, 09 May 2009 15:41:06 +0000

I remember back in late 2007 how I could drive just about anywhere and pass at least one semi unit pulling a fully stocked trailer of new vehicles. This spring I’ve been keeping an eye out for the same. I decided to keep track of them. I saw one on April 3rd, half full. Yesterday morning I finally saw another one and it only had two vehicles on the back, both used. I’ve gone from seeing one or two a day to over a month between sightings, and even then you know the trip probably wasn’t a revenue generator for the poor sod operating the truck.

The layoffs in the oil patch are legion. The PennWest office in Consort, Alberta has closed. The Apache office in Monitor has shed a bunch of staff. There are ugly rumours circulating about the other oil companies. I know some people who drive truck for the oil patch and they’re lucky if they can get enough loads to cover their operating costs.

Oil patch traffic is down on the highway, that’s for sure. The good news is that the roads are halfway safe again for a change. It’s been a while since I’ve popped over a hill to find some asshat roaring towards me on the wrong side of the road while making the customary illegal lane change. I suppose that’s something.

I’ve been fortunate not to have seen much of the downturn in my computer repair business (yet), but my poor wife’s gift basket biz is noticeably slower. Good thing we don’t depend on it for an income. We’re going to go out this afternoon and work on planting a very large garden. We’re hoping it will keep us afloat if the same economic blight that is hitting everyone else spreads to us next.

Some days it’s just not fun to be a grown-up.

flash memory

Sean — Sat, 09 May 2009 14:05:36 +0000

All you’ll be able to remember from any photo shoot where the cute female subject suffers a wardrobe malfunction.

Just the fax, ma’am.

Sean — Sat, 09 May 2009 13:55:30 +0000

Week one:

“Hi, I was wondering if you service fax machines?”

“No, I’m sorry, but I only service computer hardware, some computer software, and a very limited range of printer issues. I don’t service standalone fax units.”

“Can you recommend someone who does?”

“In this area? I can’t think of anyone. Either you’ve purchased an industrial unit from a major outfit like IKON and you have a service contract, or you’ve got a cheapie NFSU (non-field servicable unit) that’s cheaper to replace than to repair.”

“OK, thanks.”

Week two, same customer:

“Hi, we spoke on the phone last week. Can you tell me when you’ll be available to look at my fax machine?”

“Yes… And I told you I couldn’t because I don’t service fax machines. I’m a computer repair specialist.”

“Oh, okay, thanks.”

Week three or four, same customer:

“Hi, I’ve called before about my fax. Can you come out and look at it today? I really need it working to file some papers with ______.”

“I’ve already told you that I can’t fix it. I don’t service faxes.”

“But you can fix printers, right?”

“Mostly not. I usually tell people to throw out their printer and buy a new one since the repair would cost $200 and a new printer is only $100.”

“I’ll pay you to come out and look at it.”

“Look, I don’t service fax units and I’m too swamped with computer work to drive out and look at something that there’s a 99.9% likelihood that I won’t be able to service. I recommend taking it in to a larger centre.”

“Oh, all right. Thanks.”

Two months later, same customer:

“Hi, we spoke some time ago about you fixing my fax machine. I was wondering if you could come and look at it this week.”

“Look, I don’t fix faxes. I’ve told you this. Please stop calling me about it.”

“But you’re a technician, you could probably figure it out!”

“Ma’am, technicians tend to specialize like doctors. I’m like a General Physician for computers. I can fix basic ailments but anything beyond that needs to go to someone trained in that speciality. If you go to your doctor with signs of pancreatic distress you’ll immediately be referred to an endocrinologist. Your fax machine is a pancreas if I’ve ever seen one — you need to take it to a specialist.”

“I can’t understand why you won’t even look at it!”

“Because it’s dishonest to charge people money for attempting to repair items that you know are outside of your area of expertise. Please… Take the fax machine to a service centre in one of the larger cities the next time you’re there on errands.”

“Oh, all right!” [slam]

Three months on, same customer:

“Hi, you probably remember me, I’m the one having trouble getting my fax machine fixed…”

“NO!” [click]

Honest to gawd, with some people it’s just like talking to a dial tone.