The Urban Refugee

…I never thought I’d see the day when a company started mass producing portable deep fryers. Because God forbid one can’t deep fry some breaded zucchini sticks when camping somewhere. It’s just… Well… I…

Gah.

Even Ronco couldn’t have topped this if they tried.

Fidelity is for marriages, not photographs.

I absolutely cannot for the life of me understand why the feds need to give the major Alberta oil companies over $150 million to clean up their act. If there’s any industry in this province that’s swimming in excess cash it’s the oil and gas industry. And they need extra $$$ from the taxpayer to figure out ways to pollute less?

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

That $150 million would go a long way towards helping Alberta’s farmers, most of whom are struggling and only staying afloat because many of them moonlight in the oil patch. Maybe we could use that money to help farmers update their older, less fuel efficient farm equipment with something newer and cleaner. Maybe we could put the goddamn railroads and elevators back in so that it’s a much shorter trip to sell grain (8km to the local elevator rather than travelling over 80km per load with a 40 year old, oil burning, grain truck). Maybe we could put windmills and solar panels on each farm and reduce the rural use of power from Alberta’s coal-fired generating plants.

This is the most overtly stupid thing that Stephen Harper has done since taking office.

Update:

Apparently the money is going to the Alberta Govt, not the oil companies. What the hell our provincial government will do with the funds I have no idea. I’m betting they don’t, either.

Microsoft describes the new Windows Vista experience as “Wow“. I’m forced to agree, but only because I’ve never seen any version of Windows generate blue screens of death as often as Vista does. Even Windows ME, a gold-plated turd to be sure, never blue screened like this.

Better yet, the blue screens all indicate that the stop error was caused by a faulty device driver. This is when all of the drivers are signed by Microsoft and every piece of hardware in the machine appears on the Microsoft Hardware Compatibility List.

Wow indeed.

You know, every time I start comparing Canada to China I wind up feeling a bit, well, underdeveloped. Inadequate even. I think I’ve got a bad case of Peking Envy. Let’s look at the facts:

• China became the third country to put a human in space in 2003. Canada can’t put a human in space unless we hitch a ride from our neighbors to the south.
• China can also put their own satellites in space, something Canada has to pay other countries to do for us.
• China can even blow up their own satellites, while Canada can’t even blow up Karla Homolka.
• China developed nuclear capability while Canada’s policy is to pour everything into social programs and hope that our nuclear capable southern neighbor will keep anyone from sucker punching us.
• China’s GDP was nearly two trillion dollars in 2004 while ours was a paltry one trillion dollars.
• Sure, China’s military is under equipped and using antiquated equipment, but that’s nothing new to Canada, either. They can still field a force of over 2,800,000 strong to Canada’s 64,000, and that’s damned impressive.

And the list goes on. Let’s face it, trying to measure up to China is like trying to not feel intimidated when Dick Rambone slides up to the urinal next to you in the men’s room.

So…

Can someone please explain to me why China is listed as a “developing nation” insofar as the Kyoto Protocol is concerned? ‘Cuz, from where I’ve standing, the buggers have several inches on us. If anyone is going to be buying carbon credits from someone else, I figure China should be buying them from Canada.

Hmph.

Dear Saskabushers,

We realize that many of you are unaccustomed to driving on pavement, or at the very least, pavement without Indian Reservation sized potholes every fifteen meters. We are glad to see you enjoying yourselves when you find yourselves on the Alberta side of the provincial border and actually driving on a serviceable highway for a change.

That being said, we would appreciate it if you would exercise some restraint and refrain from driving through our province at a minimum speed of 160 kph. We would be especially grateful if you refrained from doing this when the road and visibility conditions are particularly lousy due to inclement weather because, good pavement or not, someone is going to get killed if this keeps up.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Signed,

An east central Albertan who is amazed he hasn’t been flattened by a Ford F350 with Saskatchewan license plates on it yet.

“Um…”

“…”

“Did he just say electro-ejaculator?”

“Yup.”

“Feel free to change the fuckin’ channel anytime now, dear.”

The probability of the thermocouple failing is inversely proportional to the temperature outside.

Last week it looked like were catching up financially. This week, what with the arrival of an $1800 assessment notice from the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA), our monetary euphoria has dissipated along with a good chunk of our excess funds.

Merry freakin’ Christmas to the McCormicks.

I’ll return to blogging next year, but I think I’ve had enough of 2006 and my intention is to go into hiding until the rest of it passes. I’ll see you all in 2007.

This past Monday I had the misfortune of attending a workshop that was “facilitated” by a lady named Barbara May. Without going into details, let’s just say that Ms. May managed to redefine the word “sucktitude” for me.

Anyhow…

One of the more memorable moments of the workshop (and those weren’t the ones that involved singling out a couple in the audience for “living in sin” or telling fellatio jokes to the wrong type of crowd) was the breakout session. We were all handed cards, each of which listed three values, and told to pick five cards that listed the values we cherished most. One card listed sensuality as a value. Seriously.

Sensuality a value? To Hugh Hefner, maybe.