The Urban Refugee

Wrasslin’ with dad — and losing badly.

So my wife introduced me to this nifty little appliance she owns for removing callouses from one’s feet. It’s basically a sanding block and, damn, does it ever work. I’ve been faithfully filing my callouses down after each shower and I have to admit that my feet haven’t felt this good since I was a teenager. They feel so good that I’d be out going for a walk if it wasn’t -128 frakkin’ degrees below zero right now. So good, in fact, that now I’m wondering what it would feel like to have my nails done as well.

Does this mean that I’m crossing over to the pink side of the force?

“You will not learn anything useful about good barbecue from recipes in the back of women’s magazines.”

Amen.

I was proceeding to wire my spiffy new Terk AM/FM amplified antenna into the living room stereo when one of my wife’s girly decorating accessories — a candle in a brass holder in this case — attempted to infiltrate my right eye socket with extreme prejudice. When both my language and vision finally cleared I made a decision: I don’t care how badly I have to whore myself out over the next year so long as I find the money to buy a bigger home.

Said new home is going to be large enough to accomodate a girly zone and a testosterone zone. The doilies, potpourri, angels, trained attack candles, miniature ornaments, etc., all go into the girly zone. The big screen television, 25,000 petaWatt home theatre system, LaZboy Assmaster combination chair/commode, small refrigerator loaded with Diet Dr Pepper, Hellraiser/Pinhead/Reanimator movie posters, and my 328 remote controls go into the testosterone zone. Never the twain shall mix again.

Godamnit, my eye still hurts.

Can someone please explain to me why it is that Kentucky Fried Chicken, or KFC, if you will, can produce fried chicken that is downright orgasmic, but cannot deliver a side dish of comparable quality?

To say that KFC side dishes are disgusting is an understatement. Their potato salad is to potatoes what Jim Jones was to Kool Aid. Their coleslaw tastes like it has been used to recycle industrial waste. And the macaroni salad? Seeing it always brings to mind a segment I saw on Discovery Channel about the smegma buildup that uncircumcised men who don’t bathe properly are prone to.

What the hell?

Even the stuff KFC doesn’t outright screw up still borders on nasty. Their fries are flacid and greasy whereas their gravy smacks of oven cleaner. The desserts taste like little chunks of styrofoam with some sort of sugar secretion spread over the top, although I will grant a handful of them a limited visual appeal.

Maybe KFC should just sell chicken and partner with another company that provides everything else.

The wife is gone for a few days and that can mean only one thing… It’s Movie Week at Casa McCormick. Here’s what I’ve watched so far:

• Nightbreed — This Clive Barker film could have been entirely forgettable had it not been for the over-the-top acting of David Cronenberg as the psychopathic psychiatrist, Dr. Decker. He more than made up for Craig Sheffer’s incredibly bad acting.
• The Osterman Weekend (Sam Peckinpah 2 disc commemorative edition) — While I generally love Sam Peckinpah movies, Rutger Hauer’s wooden acting detracts from what should be a captivating movie watching experience. The supporting cast — John Hurt in particular — make up for Hauer’s deficiencies. I think I’ve only ever liked him in Blade Runner, Ladyhawke, The Hitcher, and Sin City. The rest of his movies? Meh.
• The Re-animator (2 disc Millennium edition), Bride of Re-animator, and Beyond Re-animator — The first and last titles are the best, but Bride is still worthy. There’s nothing like bare breasts, dark humour, and gallons of fake blood splashed all over the place to warm this movie goer’s heart. The extras on disc 2 of the Millennium edition are also worth watching.
• Hellraiser and Hellraiser 2 (Hellbound) — “The box. You opened it. We came.” I think of that line every time I have to work on a Compaq. Well, that and: “Your suffering will be legendary — even in Hell!” That kind of describes the Compaq experience, too.
• The Odd Couple — Move over Grumpy Old Men, The Odd Couple is the quintessential Lemmon/Matthau flick, one that only improves as time passes. Those two had chemistry on screen. I also used to have a roomie a lot like Matthau’s Oscar Madison which makes the movie doubly funny for me.

Still sitting in the ‘to watch’ pile are:

• Lord of Illusions (Unrated Director’s Cut) — Another Clive Barker film. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I’m going to watch it again anyhow. It’s worth it just to see the highly underrated Daniel von Bargen tear up the screen as Nix. I found Harry D’Amour’s character — played by Scott Bakula — distracting. I kept expecting Bakula to ‘Quantum Leap’ into the body of a dog or a sofa at the end of every scene (his mundane acting didn’t help here). I wish film makers would stop using him — he’s spent.
• Sphere — A clever, albeit underrated, horror film, and there just aren’t enough of them being made these days. Samuel L. Jackson was creepadelic and Dustin Hoffman and Sharon Stone also turned in excellent performances. I like it better each time I see it.
• The Corpse Bride — A Tim Burton film starring Johnny Depp (voice) and scored by Danny Elfman. I don’t see how I can go wrong here.
• The Brothers Grimm — I haven’t seen it yet, but it’s a Terry Gilliam film. Need I say more? It’s his first film in seven years (the last was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas in 1998), but I’ve been warned by those who have seen it not to get my hopes up as it is Gilliam’s ‘most commercial’ film to date. If Gilliam is making commercially viable films it can only mean that someone at Miramax was probably holding one of his loved ones hostage.
• The Blues Brothers — Quite possibly the best film ever made. Period. With the best soundtrack ever. Period.

My wife is half a continent away, I’ve got a full box of microwave popcorn, half a gallon of iced tea, it’s snowing, and I’ve just cleaned my glasses.

Hit it.

Today marks the 14th year of keeping “the plug in the jug”. My wife (who I met over seven years ago) and my daughter (4 1/2 years old) have never seen me drunk. With luck, they never will.

One day at a time…

What follows is a personal note from Jen and I to the owners of the Greenhead restaurant in Provost, Alberta:

In regards to the Chinese food we ate there last night, you folks need to change the oil in your deep fryers more often. That, or talk to the Canadian military about buying some armor piercing cutlery made out of depleted uranium. I goddamn near bent my knife trying to cut into whatever it was that you people are passing off as an eggroll.

Sprained my wrist, too.

Pizza delivery is one of those things that I used to take for granted. Not any more. If we want pizza out here we either have to make it ourselves or drive to town for a piece of cardboard that has had some grease, cheese, and something that allegedly contains tomatoes baked onto it. The other option is to buy one of those Kraft Delicio pizzas in the freezer section of the grocery store, but they just don’t compare to the pizza we left behind.

Most things are better out here, but we’d be lying if we said that we have no regrets.

City slicker: Your wife was telling me that she could only find three kinds of apples where you live.

Hayseed: Yeah, that sounds about right.

City slicker: I can bring along some stuff from the city with me when I come out next week. Just let me know what you need.

Hayseed: Costco.

City slicker: It probably won’t all fit in one trip. I may have to break it up into several.

Hayseed: What, you mean you can’t tow it?

What the hell is the point of buying an SUV if you can’t fit an entire department store into it? Thanks for nuthin’, Ray.